Raspberries and Strawberries

i wrote this here, but privately on Jan. 26 of 2006.....

2008-04-28T00:38:10Z

I totally forgot about this entry. Actually I forgot about most of these entries. I tried to forget about the life I had when I maintained this thing and I'm not sure why? I know at the time I was beginning to think that the people I considered my friends and the people I loved were going to abandon me so I wanted to beat them to it. I didn't want to be happy anymore, and I suppose I accomplished that by getting myself into the situation that I did. All I can do is laugh about that now.

"So I went rummaging through my old note and picture boxes.
Everyone has one or two.
And I came across some characters I really miss.
Shaun Martin, Jenna Heffernan, Bailey Macy,
Paul Baker, Scott and Cody Grove, Antonio Garcia, Logan Brittain, Kellen Monette. To name a few.
Some of them I haven't talked to in years and I'm not
quite sure how they're making
it in life. People I thought I'd be with till the grave
have floating out of my life forever it seems.
And after looking through the faces and words of friends
I once had I realized that NOW is just a phase as well.
Two years from now I could very well pull out a picture/note box
and see the friends I have today and think to myself "I wonder
how they've gotten on?"
I already knew this but only in the back of my mind and now
I think I'm worse off then I was when I pulled out the stupid boxes!
Something I've always asked myself when thinking on my past is what's the
point?
What's the point of making friends with people so that you can eventually
say something hurtful to cause you to drift or just drift away from them for
no good reason. So many of my new friends have kept in touch with their
high school (or even middle school) friends. I could count the people I've stayed in touch with on one hand, even if I was missing three fingers. I have had fall outs, call outs and knock-down-drag outs. All sorts of outs
that I could never come back from.
My entire family, myself included, are notorious bridge-burners. Once you go over
you can never come back. It's a trait I admired in my sister and my mother and I was quite pleased to learn that I had inherited it as well, but now I'm not so sure. I don't know how to heal without severing ties and I'm starting to think that's not the healthiest way to heal.
It's such a cliche but I believe that once you open yourself up to happiness you open yourself up to heartache as well. My expectations are too high, my hopes are too high and I've seen my heart crash into the ground on more than one account. Moving on has proved difficult. I thought once I moved to Florida I could leave myself behind and my past behind but it made it's way here. I am making new friends, I have a new boyfriend, I have new places I go, I have a new purpose. But that changes and what can I do? Move from city to city, live in my one bedroom watching TV, avoid making new friends because I'm too scared. Sounds like a dream come true to me. I couldn't bear this little town if everything went on its side tomorrow. I'd be on the road to the next town by the end of the week.
I'm not sure what I'm trying to get at. Maybe I just needed to vent. I feel like such an outsider. That's cliche too.
I guess this does not sum things up for me and it's something I'll always wonder about."

wow

2007-04-09T04:00:18Z

it's been awhile.
i can't wait to move in with kyle, ryan and mike.

the world is smaller

2006-10-10T18:22:25Z

i'm not going to tell you about my personal life! haha

abearnamedyou @ 2006-10-02T15:24:00

2006-10-02T19:25:16Z

lets air out our laundry okay.

abearnamedyou @ 2006-09-29T01:04:00

2006-09-29T05:05:04Z

woah wasted this entry has been madde with much effort. i think ashcoijlajfkamflkafiv ichv hey! that came out all aksjfocio oup! so i'll try this tomorooow!!! ahaksfhkjaskjahhahahaha

abearnamedyou @ 2006-09-20T16:37:00

2006-09-20T20:37:36Z

someone take this semester for me.

abearnamedyou @ 2006-09-15T13:41:00

2006-09-15T17:42:11Z

i wish this was a real journal.

i hate you brooklyn!

2006-09-14T17:59:25Z

dear brooklyn,
i shake my fist at you!
i miss laurin and it's your fault she's gone!
you stole her from me with promises of good vegan food, cool people, and easy access to "the city".
damnit, i miss her.
:(
send her back,
jami

abearnamedyou @ 2006-09-06T17:22:00

2006-09-06T21:22:51Z

ahhhh, i can't pay attention long enough to finish this fucking paper!

abearnamedyou @ 2006-07-22T18:31:00

2006-07-23T01:31:12Z

is myspace down?

yes!

2006-07-20T15:07:34Z

i went to the horse races yesterday and i have never seen so many fake tits and huge "kentucky" hats in my life.
awesomeness.
a helicopter landed 20 ft away from me! it was so cool!

california is

2006-07-19T15:16:27Z

fun.
going to del mar today. i went to the beach last night and watched kids surf, then i went and stuffed my face with in-n-out burgers. kinda wish i could pick and choose people from gainesville and ship them out here.

the o.c.

2006-07-18T14:45:20Z

yeah, i'm in california right now.
that's basically it.
i'm gonna go shop and go to the beach. peace.

i'm gone

2006-07-17T00:54:11Z

ben's tonite, california tomorrow.

abearnamedyou @ 2006-07-15T15:20:00

2006-07-15T19:21:18Z

stalking people you don't know on the internet is amazing. i get to learn so much about the human condition just snooping around on good ole lj.

two posts in one day!

2006-07-10T14:14:27Z

here are a few pictures from the BLING BLING party!!!!!

mike g-unit lighting up a cigg

dallas!!!!!!!!!!!!hippie bling!!!!!!!!!!

nice nails carlos!

jon looked pretty gangsta

DAN!!!!!

this looks like hunter's a pimp and his "ho" is trying to get his mind right. at least that's what I think of.....

nick being wrapped in paper towels b/c he kept spilling everyone's beer

this needs no explanation

mike!!!!!!!!!!murphy!!!!!!!!!!the birthday boy!!!!!!!!!!

ryan is SO jersey!

kelly! the ho wit da fro!!! kelly looked fucking awesome!

lauren's gonna kill me!

how awesome is this picture?

jen with her classy bling on

this is probably the best thing ever!

or this!!!!!!!!!!!

birthday

2006-07-10T13:18:35Z

my 21st birthday was pretty awesome.
i got to see most of the people i love and care about (carolyn and tara, i wish you could have been there!).
the day before my birthday party i was thinking why the hell did i choose the theme Under the Sea? how the fuck am i going to decorate the house? who the hell is going to come dressed up? BUT the house turned out really well thanks to jen and jason (who knew jason was an expert at streamers?) and also to jon, who made me some really amazing construction paper sea life! And people DID dress up and i thought that was so fucking fun and awesome! I think the some of the best costumes included a dead tourist(athena), a fishnet(jennifer), a jellyfish(kim) and also Becky as a stingray! that was cool. and then my actual birthday was just as great, i went out for brunch with jen and nick and ordered my first alcoholic beverage, which i was NOT carded for! what the fuck, isn't that what happens to everyone the first time they order a drink after turning 21? and then i got to lay around all day and listen to CD's thanks to Nick who bought me an awesome stereo since my old one sucks and no longer plays CD's! Then for dinner jen and i ate at liquid ginger and i ordered a FILET MIGNON, yes birthday dinners rule! all in all it was a really good birthday.

happy days are here again

2006-06-20T01:13:35Z

the kickball tournament was yesterday and it was actually a lot of fun.
getting drunk in the afternoon and playing kickball with the maude's crew made it the best sunday i've had in a long time.
i can't wait to get pictures back, i'll be sure to post them.

tonite

2006-06-17T22:49:49Z

baking peanut butter cup brownies, dinner party, dally dall, meeeeeeeegan and kegs.
i'm totally set for an awesome nite!

last nite

2006-06-16T17:18:36Z

my friend nick from jax came into town last nite. it was really nice seeing him, it had been months!
at one point in the nite jennifer, cameron, nick and i were dancing and it felt like two summers ago when all my days and nights were spent with these three people. it was strange, on the dance floor with them it was like things had never changed.

swoop on in!

2006-05-24T00:24:11Z

i know i should expect it but it hasn't even
been a WEEK and this girl tries to be my friend,
so i guess that adds a little salt to the wound as well.

lets get awesome

2006-05-22T00:25:11Z

i almost got hit today on my bike.
i had the walk signal crossing main st and this lady decided to turn
right without looking.
i fell off my bike and it scared the shit out of me.
the poor girl rolled down her window to see if i was okay but
i was so angry at her for scaring me i just screamed "look where
you're fucking going!" and proceed to work.
i guess the story just seemed like icing on the cake to my last entry.
i deserve to be hit by a car though. haha.

the internet

2006-05-21T16:16:19Z

is stupid.

my house

2006-05-19T23:39:15Z

i'm going to have to leave it for food.

grade

2006-05-09T23:49:03Z

two B's, (english and biology)
an A, (art history)
and a C. (fucking math)
not too bad considering I thought I was failing the last.

this summer is going to be strange I suspect.

yesterday I went to the springs with my whole work.
my boss just shut down shop and paid for us
to swim, drink and eat.
I had a pretty rad time.

tomorrow, i'm going to hang out poolside
and continue reading the feminine mystique.